There is hidden pain in my actions, my words. The heavens, my pillows, my walls know that I’ve tried to reign in all,
All of that anger, disappointment, frustration, and sadness, from leaking out of my bones. I hoped time would be my accomplice, in washing all of it away.
And I am still hoping that everything would come to an end, for it to disappear one day. To find one solution to this is unreasonable, since all this was not built in a day. It was the years of mockery, betrayal, lack of empathy, criticism, and just plain old negative vibes I’ve had to face all these years.
Then life happened.
I got to experience firsthand, how negative and soul crushing the outside world can be. I’ve learnt lessons, thoroughly, at that, mainly which our society as a whole has more wrongs than rights and cannot be trusted.
I take time getting close to people. I talk but do not let them close nowadays, due to a list of my people, who called themselves my friends and tore open a missile on my poor little back.
Disappointments were ever present in my life, as far as I could remember. My father used to raise my hopes up, and dash them up, without a single thought. My mom, a constant critic, always present, to point out my flaws. My sister, during those days, my arch nemesis, now turned out, better than I expected. Growing up I realized my parents, were humans too, they too make mistakes, unlike the image they created in my head, the perfect know it all s.
What was I supposed to do .I try, I really do, to empathize with them, to understand them, actions that they never have tried, or tried and failed miserably.
Falling in love has made me an emotional wreck. I used to be able to take mockery on my face, bite down my tongue till it bled out all my anger from the insides. I used to be brave, knowing that it would make no difference if I existed or not. I could chew the insides of my cheek, and bruise my knuckles, so that my tear ducts wouldn’t function, because some other part of my body needed attention.
But now, I cry like, the entire water from the Niagara Falls, were transferred into my tear duct, and can’t hold it in any longer. I cry at least 5 times a week now. I cannot watch horror movies, or grisly violence, because, they come up as even worse images in front of my eyes, concocted by my subconscious brain ,into attacking me. I cannot hold in my anger for more than a minute, and I end up letting it out through my tongue, and regretting it the next instant.
I know my parents are trying hard, their best, to give me everything, I promise, I really do know. But why do I get so angry, let frustration, sometimes hate, in their direction. Why am I not grateful to whatever they have done for me? Why is, all that I think about, is the bad memories, and things that they’ve put me through? Is it just me or am I a bad person?
Is it because everywhere else I look, everyone has their perfect piece of life just like they have always wanted. I know I should never compare lives. So this stops now.
Oh, but I am not done with life. Barely started.
On giving bad memories from childhood that developed into complexes, which I now am trying very hard to get rid of, to just plain bullshit, I have tried ignoring all, for the sake of my sanity.
But for the last six months, life just won’t give me a break. Just will not. As if it was another sadistic person, making me go through horrible things, never letting me forget it, and I think enjoying itself heavily on seeing me suffer.
These last 6 horrible months, life handed me a job, and out of my stupidity, the worst mistake of my life, took it away from me, and thus leading to lose an opportunity to be with my best friend in her time of need. Then coming home alone, in pretense of a getting a job, was not allowed to go see my grandmother, until she passed away, after which, letting me know there was no job on the first place.
All of them asks me about my current status, and all I can say is I am searching to find something to ground me, that I am still floating in the air like a lost balloon, swaying to the winds , with no purpose whatsoever.
Losing hope is manageable, even understandable. I can deal with that. But losing my peace of mind, and letting everyone around be miserable and sad, just because of me that is the definition of hell on earth.
By writing this piece, on my sanity, right now, I do not want my bad vibes transferred to another; my only intention is to stop it within this.
Sincerely hoping for everyone, even the worst of humanity, to have peace within themselves. That would contribute to a solution to world peace.