You know that I cannot sleep on my issues, or just forget them by changing the topic of our conversation. Yes I love you and I know you love me too, but that is not a strong enough foundation to build our lives on, because we both have our doubts, fears and different perspectives. Now we barely see other, text a few times a day and everything goes fine, as is deemed for a long distance relationship but I don’t think it would be the same if we hope to live with each other, forever, building a family, together. Our different perspectives might get in the way, and so will our unresolved issues, and we would be back at the same position that we are in right now, where our doubts and fears resurface. I wish we could talk out everything to the finest of details. Just to understand how we perceive situations and react to it, basically how our brain works. Once we understand that, we would consciously make an effort to work around or through those things which could help lubricate that friction between us. In the end, both of us would be happy. Happiness is, after all, the eternal quest of mankind. So unless and until you open up completely or just end all connections with me, I just might keep pestering you, or keep myself unconsciously aggravated, in turn pestering you.
My love, I want to feel and understand you in every way possible, and I am trying to open up to you, but at times, I feel you don’t even want to know or feel me. And I know, no matter how much I coax you, you would never truly open up to me. I do wonder to myself at times “Is this actually going nowhere?” You see, I am an all or nothing kind of a person. I either want all of you and I shall give all of me in return or I don’t want anything to do with you entirely. I don’t want us to be stuck in a rut, like an impasse. I am not a person who is likely to fall in and out of love at a moments notice. It takes a great deal of time and effort to let somebody inside my walls, even though it doesn’t seem like that to you. I have willingly opened up to love, which in turn, I know, will definitely lead to pain, something that I have been avoiding all this while, just for you .You mean that much to me.
And I am extremely terrified, because I have absolutely no idea to what I would do if I were to lose you. When I let you in, I unknowingly lost all self respect, became masochistic, and attached all my happiness to you .I’ve become one of my worst hated forms .I’ve become attached. I am very much emotionally dependent on you now. God forbid what happens when I stick on to you like a leech physically. You scare me to that deep a level. I have destroyed my being for you, my love, for reasons unknown. I know you haven’t asked for any of this, and neither have I wanted this to happen. I’ve never had an opportunity to encounter an experience, of such intensity and passion, therefore have done nothing to prepare for it, all this just happened.
All I know right now is I am holding on to my last shred of sanity, for I have loved you in the past, I still love you now, and will always love you forever, no matter the consequences, and I don’t want that to change ever. You have given me indescribable memories that I shall never be able to forget in a lifetime. And I promise you this. I shall NEVER REGRET YOU.